I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
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The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Lucky for them, they’re cute
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
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! ! ! !
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
The morning after pill, but for tweets
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.