I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
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I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced