Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
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Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
thanks auntie mary
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me