[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
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How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Thanks to a fan for this one.