Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
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My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies