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Page of delusions_of's best tweets

@delusions_of : Having sex in the 90s was scratchy due to all the flannel.

@delusions_of: Been working out. Pretty sure I can beat up half the kids from "Stranger Things" now.

@delusions_of: Salads don't kill people. People who eat salads kill people.

@delusions_of: Saw a baby crying and gave it my electric bill cuz why should we both be sad?

@delusions_of: Another day, another police escort from an all you can eat buffet.

@delusions_of: Was gonna be a professional quarterback but I didn't wanna injure my chip dipping arm.

@delusions_of: My phone always asks if I "trust this computer" like it knows something I don't.

@delusions_of: Dance like nobody's holding your family hostage in some bizarre underground dance competition.

@delusions_of: Seize the day. Take a nap. Knit a sweater. Rob a bank. Take another nap.

@delusions_of: That's "MISTER your credit card is declined" thank you very much.