If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
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Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”