“Kill Bill” but me seeking revenge on the person who stole my sandwich.
When being attacked yell “FREE CUPCAKES” so people come help you.
Penguins mate for life but also have the highest rate of alcoholism.
Before toasters people had to frantically rub two pieces of bread together.
THIRD RULE OF FIGHT CLUB: Only one juice box per person.
“Hey you, Brutus? Please don’t let them name a salad after me.”
– Julius Caesar’s actual last words
If you think I’m sexy now wait till you see me eat a cheeseburger with no hands.
Only resort to violence when necessary like when the grocery store won’t accept your coupon.
[flips table over]
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T TAKE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM?!”
[points at bank account]
“This is why we can’t have nice things! Or crappy things. Or food.”