@delusions_of

“Kill Bill” but me seeking revenge on the person who stole my sandwich.

@delusions_of

When being attacked yell “FREE CUPCAKES” so people come help you.

@delusions_of

Penguins mate for life but also have the highest rate of alcoholism.

@delusions_of

Before toasters people had to frantically rub two pieces of bread together.

@delusions_of

“Hey you, Brutus? Please don’t let them name a salad after me.”

– Julius Caesar’s actual last words

@delusions_of

If you think I’m sexy now wait till you see me eat a cheeseburger with no hands.

@delusions_of

Only resort to violence when necessary like when the grocery store won’t accept your coupon.

@delusions_of

[flips table over]

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T TAKE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM?!”

@delusions_of

[points at bank account]

“This is why we can’t have nice things! Or crappy things. Or food.”