Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
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INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
The answer is funnier than the question
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.