Anything can be used as a dartboard. Like your coworker Jim who always says “another day in paradise”.
My fighting style is best known as grabbing the last slice of pizza and running away.
I win about 60-65% of the arguments I have with myself.
Me: “I’d like 3 ice cubes”
Refrigerator Ice Dispenser: “Here have 19”
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
My karate skills are instinctual. Like if you wake me from a nap I kick you.
I saw a baby crying and gave it my cable bill cuz no reason we should both be sad.
While you were reading this Michael Bay just made five more “Transformer” movies.
This is my salad fork. That’s my dinner fork. This is my lasagna shovel.
We’re born alone. We die alone. And in between we search for our car keys alone.