@delusions_of

Anything can be used as a dartboard. Like your coworker Jim who always says “another day in paradise”.

@delusions_of

My fighting style is best known as grabbing the last slice of pizza and running away.

@delusions_of

Me: “I’d like 3 ice cubes”

Refrigerator Ice Dispenser: “Here have 19”

@delusions_of

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

@delusions_of

My karate skills are instinctual. Like if you wake me from a nap I kick you.

@delusions_of

I saw a baby crying and gave it my cable bill cuz no reason we should both be sad.

@delusions_of

While you were reading this Michael Bay just made five more “Transformer” movies.

@delusions_of

This is my salad fork. That’s my dinner fork. This is my lasagna shovel.

@delusions_of

We’re born alone. We die alone. And in between we search for our car keys alone.