I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
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*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.