I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
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I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up