@delusions_of

Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want, you’ll still have herpes.

@delusions_of

This could be the expired methamphetamines talking but yeah, I’d love to babysit your kids.

@delusions_of

My arm bone’s connected to my hand bone. My hand bone’s connected to a bacon cheeseburger.

@delusions_of

Bring cheeseburgers to a knife fight. No one wants to stab someone who gave them cheeseburgers.

@delusions_of

What I said: “Let’s get together sometime.” What I meant: “Please forget you ever saw me.”

@delusions_of

I’m like a Rubik’s Cube. Seems fun at first but eventually you’ll want to rip me apart.

@delusions_of

When I go to the gym I reward myself by not going back for a couple weeks.