Another day, another police escort from Bed, Bath & Beyond.
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want, you’ll still have herpes.
This could be the expired methamphetamines talking but yeah, I’d love to babysit your kids.
My arm bone’s connected to my hand bone. My hand bone’s connected to a bacon cheeseburger.
Bring cheeseburgers to a knife fight. No one wants to stab someone who gave them cheeseburgers.
What I said: “Let’s get together sometime.” What I meant: “Please forget you ever saw me.”
I’m like a Rubik’s Cube. Seems fun at first but eventually you’ll want to rip me apart.
When I go to the gym I reward myself by not going back for a couple weeks.