Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
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I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that