Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
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if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first