I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
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4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I have never heard an armadillo before.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff