You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
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<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
did it work