“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
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My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Clients after you give them your rates
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people