Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
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A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.