me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red?

me, trying to impress my date: whichever onion the chef prefers


saw an escalator for the first time today, just stopped and staired


the three most popular activities in ancient greece:

3) debating the meaning of life
2) performing theatre
1) having sex with zeus


julius: hey brutus, lookin’ sharp

brutus: what knife

julius: what

brutus: what


bully: hey 2015 called, they want t-

me: wait they called?

bully: well tha-

me: [grabbing his collar] YOU’VE GOT TO WARN THEM


little girl: what’s behind the wardrobe?

old man: narnia

girl: what’s narn-

man: narnia business


the plot of inception is literally just

wake me up (wake me up inside)