Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
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“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.