To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
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I would never bite my own toenails. That鈥檚 so disgusting. I only bite other people鈥檚 toenails.
Me: I鈥檓 on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I鈥檒l take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it鈥檚 the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he鈥檒l drive away?
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard鈥檚 spotlight will not be robbed.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Alicia Keys: 馃幎 I keep on fallin’ 馃幍
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schr枚dinger.”
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schr枚dinger: Nice, nice
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn鈥檛 realize how much rhymed with jorts
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I鈥檝e also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I鈥檓 eating water and air today