5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
You Might Also Like
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.