@dhumann

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

@dhumann

[speed dating]

Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”

Her: “Face…”

Me: “Have a nice life.”

@dhumann

Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.

@dhumann

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

@dhumann

Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.

@dhumann

Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”

Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”

@dhumann

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

@dhumann

Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”