[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
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Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Rich people don’t understand cereal
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.