My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.
Please don’t block me.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.