@difficultpatty

[Restaurant]

Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.

Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

Me: Still call it a salad though.

@difficultpatty

[first day as a waiter]

Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.

Me: ME TOO.

@difficultpatty

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.

@difficultpatty

Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.

Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.

@difficultpatty

Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.

Me: They’re ibuprofen.

@difficultpatty

People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.

@difficultpatty

Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.