Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.