My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have very strong opinions about mattresses.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.