If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
*aggressively waits in line*
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.