[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
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cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
this is uni
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
The Joker was right
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians