@dire_beard

Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before

@dire_beard

I once accidentally started a flash mob when I thought a spider might be on me.

@dire_beard

[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!

@dire_beard

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly

@dire_beard

If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.