I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
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me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target