tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
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I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.