Science memes
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I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”