My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
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*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no