Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
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can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Previously On Persistence 😎
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.