I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
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Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Cat.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.