Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@distracdad : “I’m LLLLLLLLLATE!”
- Tony the Tiger’s wife
@distracdad: Dads in the 80s: I want satellite tv so bad.
Satellite tv installer: How bad?
Dads: REALLY bad
Installer: Like “gigantic satellite bolted to a cement slab that takes over your entire yard” bad?
@distracdad: *boarding helicopter to Jurassic World*
Pilot: Why do you guys keep going back there?
@distracdad: Whoever is making cheese commercials can save their money. We’re buying cheese and and we’re never going to stop buying cheese.
@distracdad: Cardi B’s full name is Cardiovascular Blockage
@distracdad: Paper plates were invented by a guy whose wife asked him to do the dishes once.