Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of distracdad's best tweets

@distracdad : “I’m LLLLLLLLLATE!”

- Tony the Tiger’s wife

@distracdad: Dads in the 80s: I want satellite tv so bad.

Satellite tv installer: How bad?

Dads: REALLY bad

Installer: Like “gigantic satellite bolted to a cement slab that takes over your entire yard” bad?

Dads:

Installer:

Dads: YES

@distracdad: *boarding helicopter to Jurassic World*

Pilot: Why do you guys keep going back there?

@distracdad: Whoever is making cheese commercials can save their money. We’re buying cheese and and we’re never going to stop buying cheese.

@distracdad: Cardi B’s full name is Cardiovascular Blockage

@distracdad: Paper plates were invented by a guy whose wife asked him to do the dishes once.