Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
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[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
the battle rages on
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.