[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
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[canadians at you, canadianly]
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
My Plans 2020
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”