Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
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6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.