Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
You Might Also Like
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Love is in the air fryer.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
I am, perchance
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know