@divergentmama

If bees have to die after they sting you, then at the very least I hope mosquitoes get hangovers that make them feel like death after they bite drunk people.

@divergentmama

Why do I always find it necessary to announce “crap, I have the hiccups” like no one can hear the ridiculous noise my body is making?

@divergentmama

“I’m not really hungry for dinner” is teenager for “you are definitely going to find 3 empty soda bottles and 16 fruit snack wrappers in my bedroom.”

@divergentmama

[Texting with husband]

Him: I hate when you correct me and make feel like an idiot. Your lucky I love you so much

Me: awwww *you’re

@divergentmama

I got so many steps at IKEA that my smart watch messaged me to ask if it had been stolen

@divergentmama

Thunder only happens when it’s raining
Thundercats only happen when there’s no spaying

@divergentmama

It’s just like the old saying goes… the family that plays games together – doesn’t speak to each other for the rest of the night

@divergentmama

Him: you were having some crazy dreams last night

Me: good ones or nightmares?

Him: not sure but you kept kicking me

Me: ah definitely good ones

@divergentmama

Sunday and Monday would be great names for twins if one was kind of normal and quiet and the other one was pure evil.

@divergentmama

TV Show Pitch: 90 Day Parents, give kids to people without kids who think they have all the answers about raising kids so they can see how wrong they were.