*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
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when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids