@Divergentmama

Me at 13: I don’t understand why old people are so cranky

Me at 43: oh

@Divergentmama

My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd

@Divergentmama

Just when I thought my house couldnt smell any worse, my daughter has decided to have deviled eggs for lunch every day. Pray for us.

@Divergentmama

Me: honey, can you call and check on this bill for me?

Husband: sure!

[1 day later]

Me: honey, did you make that call?

Husband: shoot I forgot, I will today!

[1 year later]

Husband: I made that call you asked me to do the other day.

@Divergentmama

Last night I tucked my son in, kissed him goodnight and he hugged me and said “goodbye mommy” so I guess I won’t be sleeping until he moves out.

@Divergentmama

Puts streamers and balloons in the bathroom

*adds Professional Party Pooper to resumé

@Divergentmama

How is cow tipping even a thing? If I was a cow, and someone came to tip me, I would just moooooooove.

@Divergentmama

CDC: clean commonly touched surfaces
Moms everywhere: we don’t have to worry about wiping down the dishwasher

@Divergentmama

Husband: how come we don’t ever eat anything fancy anymore, like before we had kids?

Me: that’s not true

Husband: oh yeah, what’s for dinner tonight?

Me: (whispers) ˢˡᵒᵖᵖʸ ʲᵒˢᵉᵖʰˢ