@Divergentmama

Cashier: your total is only 4 bucks

Me: *taking back the 5th deer* whoops, my bad

@Divergentmama

If my life is going to continually be this much of a disaster, I’m gonna need the Rock to make an appearance at some point.

@Divergentmama

As soon as I get out of the hospital for this frostbite, my husband and I are going to have words about who controls the thermostat.

@Divergentmama

My husband asked me if I thought deep down that all of this time together was bringing us closer as a family. And then we laughed and laughed.

@Divergentmama

Me: I’m so tired of being stuck at home – I’d give anything for a reason to leave

*gets email that sports practices start next week*

Me: not like that

@Divergentmama

Does this mask make my face look funny?

*husband slowly backs out of the room

@Divergentmama

You can check out anytime you like
You can never leave
Please bring me my wine

2020 is officially Hotel California

@Divergentmama

Can’t. The kids just remembered we have a blender and this kitchen ceiling isn’t going to clean itself.