My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
You Might Also Like
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
This is my brand.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*