youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
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*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
This was the best day of my life
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
That de-escalated quickly