if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
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I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
They got a point!
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect