What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
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My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”