Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
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2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.