I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
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In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
My dad is at it again
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter