I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
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want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.