@dixonshuman: It's like my cat doesn't realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.

@dixonshuman: My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn't return it.

@dixonshuman: If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank

@dixonshuman: Why aren't marriage prevention hotlines a thing?