Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
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When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot