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Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
The three genders
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.