can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
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All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.