5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
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Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
The Joker was right
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end